I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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