he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
