I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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