I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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