did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
