Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
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I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
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Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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