I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
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If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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