that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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