My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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