I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
