I think I won the penis lottery.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
