My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
