News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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