I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
