P.S. I can't hear my feet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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