How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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