Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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