Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
