I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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