He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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