she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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