my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
