Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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