Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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