Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
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Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
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Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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