Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
