It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
