she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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