like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just pee around me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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