My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
