i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
