even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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