Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
