3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
