I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
