2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
