I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
