Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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