READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Enjoy the penises
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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