They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
