JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
