So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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