I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
