We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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