There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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