so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
