Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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