the day after is always just damage control
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
