Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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