The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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