I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
