i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
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My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize