My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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