Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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