Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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