fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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