Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Couch. On fire.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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