You can't special order awesome
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
