I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
