you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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