a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
