and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
